I have been doing an experiment.
Trying to not be on the computer.
I actually got laundry done, cleaned & vacuumed my home. And that was all this morning...
Where am I at now?
Back to where I was before this morning, messy house, a new pile of dirty clothes, dirty dishes.
What is the point sometimes...?
At least I can say i'm trying right?
And can I say that I really loathe blogging. I'm becoming more and more bitter. I"m jealous of my sister Katie because I love how she writes her blog. It's like a window to her inner part of her soul, like a journal and that to me, is so much more interesting. And deep down, that's how I want to write on my blog. Yet i've become uncomfortable writing how I feel about things or to just vent about life here in SA. I just can't do that with the audience that my blog has. No one is perfect, especially me. I don't want other imperfect eyes reading and judging me and my life and thoughts and feelings.
Another thing I detest about blogging is reading other people's blogs. It's not reality. Most of them do not portray reality, just the fun times or when life is great. No one wants to show to the world that life may be...hard! So I read these perfect lives and it makes me feel more insecure and depressed than I already am! Is everyone else's lives really that much better than mine? Am I just the scum of the earth these days?
I"m half tempted to go totally private (again) and only invite family and few friends that I feel comfortable expressing my feelings...
a little extreme? Maybe...
Time of the month? Possibly...
Sadly, sometimes I just want to move to where we'll be going next year...which is another "so now what" issue we are having...and that's a whole other post. This year has been good but it's been hard. Friends I thought I had aren't friends, or they have their own so i'm left alone still. It's just been a lonely-hard kind of hard...and some days, I have my pity parties...seems like i'm having one today. But it's jsut been building up. This isn't something that just came all of the sudden. It's been going on for a while. *sigh* I apologize to those of you who think, "man, seriously, suck it up!" lol well don't worry, have been for a couple of years now!
Geez, see what I mean about blogs! They are just no good.
26 comments:
See, if you move to Boise then all your problems will go away:) Not because of Boise, but because we can hang out again:) We can have pity parties together. Ha, Ha!
On a serious note...I feel for ya. Dental school is hard for us wifes too! You can always call or email me with what's on your mind. And believe me, our life is FAR from being perfect too.
Lyssa, you are awesome! I check in on your blog just to make sure you still are, and yep, you still are! :) Way to tell it like it is...as you always have...I love that! And you are right, nobody, nobody, nobody, and did I mention, nobody has a perfect life, but seriously, how boring would that be! What challenges would we have to test us? To define us? To give us purpose?
Lyssa....seriously if you ever need to vent just come over....I am sure I am feeling the same way. I know our first 2 years here were the loneliest time of my life....I will tell you about it sometime. I know what you mean about friends you thought you had, I am going through the same thing. If you want you are welcome to come over today to just get out! We have not plans except my Vt's are coming at 10.
Just remember these moments will pass, sometimes not as quickly as we like.
dear lyssa.
yes, this is melissa. I love that our names rhyme. don't you?
I, too, have been thinking about the whole "bloggin' thang" since our REAL conversation that night about being able to get things done (like real life stuff) when you are not sucked into the computer. It is amazing, isn't it?
So, I have been monitoring how much time I spend on the computer, and when I am done with a mini session, I have turned off the computer, so I don't get sucked in when I check my email.
I think it is a balancing act. Really, life is a balancing act. Don't you agree? Blogging can be a good source of communication and updating old friends and family and provide a good sort of "escape" for us---but then it can turn into a comparison game and time sucker/waster among other things.
So, in conclusion, :) (nice novel, right) Good luck trying to find the balance in life!!
If you figure it out, let us know. :) We're rooting for you!! Why? Because we like you. (remember disney club back in the 80's?)
LOTS OF LOVE TO YOU, sweet Lyssa!!
Lyssa, you were the first to make me feel welcomed in this ward and you continue to be so nice and friendly to me. Thank you!!! I feel lonely all the time here! Why don't we get together? I know Kyle would love to try and make a move on Kate.
I caught myself looking at a friend's blog and thinking her life was perfect. I quickly realized how foolish I was. I love blogs. They keep me in touch with the friends I do have. I see it as a way of seeing what's going on with them. I don't ever think people are trying to say "Look how perfect my life is," or are trying to hide their reality.
I don't expect them to write about the hard times in their life, but when they do (like you just have) it not only makes me want to be a better friend, but it reminds me to quit having my own pity parties and to be grateful for what I do have.
I've had to watch myself too and make sure I'm not neglecting Kyle. Like you've mentioned, Satan wants to bring out the bad in anything that can be good.
Here's to a better week!!
Well, if you are ever feeling down, thinking everyone's life is perfect, just check my blog--craziness, messes, and chaos! I feel like I do the same things over and over again...and there is never anything to show for it.
But I hear you...I think a lot of people just write about the good things in their life and I think it's important to document the hard times as well (not focus on it, but at least tell about it). I try to do that because I don't want to be reading back on my blog twenty years from now and if its ALL positive, I'll just get all depressed that my life was PERFECT back then (which is definitely not the case)!
And about the loneliness...I hear you. We moved from ID almost 18months ago (where we had a house on a cul-de-sac, lots and lots of friends, the best neighbors, etc) and since moving to SL it has been so lonely for me! It's been really hard to make friends and we just feel kind of isolated. It's been good in many ways (we've become lots closer as a family and as a couple). But it's still hard at times, because I think when you have lots of young kids, you need that interaction with other moms! So, I don't know why I am telling all this to you, except that I know how it feels!
I just keep telling myself I need to enjoy this stage with little kids and being able to stay home all day, because soon it will be gone :)
I think we all feel like you're feeling right now, but you're the only one who has the guts to put it all out there. I feel bad if I complain on my blog, which is part of the reason my blog has been sparse lately. These last 3 months of pregnancy...def not the easiest. Things I wish I could say, but like you said, I'm afraid of being judged. Like if I'm not 100% excited and happy to be prego and have a baby coming, then I'm the "bad mom". If only we all could not care what others think of us and just put it all out there, then it would be real life. Anyways, you are awesome, don't forget it. Thanks for always being a friend to me. It's been different since the "old group" got split up from graduation, moving, and the ward spliting. I know I wasn't a part of it for very long before that happened, but it was nice to have a smaller group of people that you always hung out with, instead of a ton of people who you know, but don't really know you. So ya, I think I wrote a book, so I'll stop now. I'm home all the time now, since I'm not working. So maybe we'll actually be able to hang out some time. :)
I love this post. I too have thought about making my blogs private so only certain family members could read it. I like complaining about life, maybe a little too much, and I feel judged especially when people say "when I want to hear positive thoughts on motherhood I read other people's blog". A lot of times a couple days after I post something I get bloggers remorse and I will want to delete the post but then I will worry about who has read it already. Whatever...you just have to let it go.
All I have to say is you better invite me to read your blog if you go private even more, because I'm not judging. I am nodding my head up and down agreeing.
Why not start another blog and let it be password protected so you feel comfortable saying whatever you want to say??? I just read this book that made me realize how much I too wanted a space to write down all my thoughts(whatever they may be), and so I'm back working on keeping my journal. It has helped a ton!!!
I love playing devils advocate so here goes. 1)You need to keep a clean house so that CPS doesn't come and take your children away. 2) When you are frustrated about a situation you need to get to the root of the problem not just complain about whats on the surface. i.e. life in SA, You don't really have a reason to hate living here because the city has done nothing wrong to you except for the fact that it is not "home" You should be grateful to live in a place that has a school which is helping your husband persue his professional career so that in turn he can provide a comfortable life for you and your girls. 3) Would you really want to vent about something that would knowingly offend a friend/acquaintance. That is why we have friends and family. Call one of them or go over to one of the many people that has just invited you over today. 4) Talk to the person(s) who have offended you but just remember that you too have unintenionally offended others, so be forgiving. Lyssa, I really do hope my comments make you feel better and not worse or that some people don't think I'm completely evil but if you need to talk you can always call, or better yet I volunteer to take Emma off your hands for a few hours next week!
"so now what"s are lame. and some friends are lame, too. having pity parties are not bad. and it's ok to hate the place you live or the fact that you feel like a weekday widow. life is hard. people who try to cover that up make me crazy. just be real, yo.
WORD.
My brother thinks blogs are a "best life" contest. I think the reason people aren't more real is because it is open to anyone to read and they don't want to be that personal. Blogs are supposed to help us stay in contact with friend/family, but I've noticed people actually make less of an effort to communicate with me personally or even comment on my blog.
I support your decision to go private and be picky about who you choose to let on your blog so that it can be more meaningful for you. I also recommend that you be sure to add people who have commented on your blog because they are the ones that care! :)
Lyssa, Thanks for being real!! I hate reading peoples blogs sometimes because I feel like there life is perfect and mine is far from. It also makes me feel like I'm the worst mom ever because I'm not constantly doing something creative with Peyton. Sometimes I just have to say NO INTERNET and it seems those days I'm so much more happy. So just so you know... I'm in the same boat so don't be too hard on yourself.
Lyssa,
I think we all would like to just put it all out there, but are a little afraid to. Trust me no body's life is as perfect as a blog portrays it. I would love to get on here and "complain" about all the things I hate about a normal day and all the things I hate about life (having to work, parents who don't talk to me, crappy co-workers, not enough time in the day, never getting a me time, living to far away from my sister, etc), but then I think who in the "world" wants to hear about all my "stuff"? (Trying to keep it PG.) I think in a little way we're all there...wanting to unleash for an audience of readers, who really don't have time to be reading my blog anyway. Well, hang in and if you ever need a fresh ear or want to get together for some "me" time, I'm here. (Maybe on the other side of town now, but still here.)
Lyssa,
Bloggin's really isn't bad. I mean, I provided me with a lot of comfort for those first 2 years that I was here and NO ONE talked to me! The problem is not bloggin' or reading other blogs that seem cool, it's COMPARING your life to someone elses' that's the problem. I have done it in the past, and IT SUCKS EGGS! it makes you feel bad about yourself, and it brings you down. It's all about how perception, really. I mean, you know that saying that goes: "people are as happy as they make up their mind to be." And that's so true! I don't think that anyone it their life is compleately happy. EVER!.If that was the case, they could sale the "happy juice" to the world and be recognized for all eternity! but it doesn't exist! YOU and how you perceive things in life is what makes you happy! Life is a wave of emotions, sometimes you are happy and things seem to go the right way, but sometimes when it's bad, it's really bad. I have had 2 "bad" years here, and now, the next 2 are looking OK. Why?? nothing has changed, I still don't go out that much, or moved to a new city. It's all the same, I just changed my perception. We care about you, so if you need new "perseption glasses" to let you see that your life doesn't suck come over! Twilight was way fun last night btw! See, Edward loves you! and Jacob too!
Jaz
My dearest Lyssa! Why are we not next door neighbors!!! I think you are one of the most beautiful, honest, intelligent, creative, passionate, talented friends I have. I love that you are you! Doug just left to go shooting and I thought to myself, if Lyssa and I were neighbors, Doug and Joe could go shooting and Lyssa and I and the kiddies could all hang. I just love you bunches!---amber
Hey Lyssa,
I have been meaning to comment on your blog in awhile..however I am too lazy to sign in! Sorry excuse huH? Anyway your post about not spending as much time on the computer really helped me. I have mentioned your post to a couple of people on how true it was. I spend way too much on the computer and let other things go..like laundry etc. Thank you for inspiring me. Please if you go private I would still love to see how your cute little family is doing. And hey good luck with finding out where you guys will be going. I'm in the same boat you are right now...I hate not knowing where we'll be...but I just keep telling myself that we will go where Heavenly Father wants us to go. Keep your head up and when you feeling down look at your cute little girls and just realize how much happiness they bring you even on those crazy days! Also this month I gave my visiting teachers a talk from the Ensign called Come what may, and love it! Read it because it is awesome and gave me such great comfort a couple of weeks ago when I was feeling blue! One last note..thank you so much for including me in your craft group. I really look forward to it each month and love spending time with you guys. Thank you again for your friendship!
Hugs!
Oh jeez...this may sound like a 10th grader signing a high school yearbook, so watch out....
Like Jen, you were my first friend here in San Antonio! I'll always look back to our first few days here and remember you and Joe helping me and Andy. How did 4 years go so fast? I was a smidgen jealous of you because it seemed like you had insta-friends, whereas, for the first year, I felt like I had knew hardly anybody. It sucked being the only one without a kid, who did't go to playgroup, who had to go to work, blah, blah. I felt so out of the loop. After complaining to Andy one day, he says, "Weird. All my friends at dental school say their wives don't have friends either." What?! It was oddly comforting to know that other people were lonely too. But I realized that it was going to be a long 4 years if I always felt like this. It became a matter of prayer and fasting.
Life throws curve balls, and it's all about how we deal with them. I have done much better with some than others. People grow and things rarely stay the same. Especially at this point in our lives. At the end of the day, we need to make choices that benefit our family (like avoiding the computer. I'm failing miserably!)and make us happy. Others have their agency and are making choice for themselves. Those decisions can disappoint us, but we can't control them.
Hmmmm...somewhere along the line, I lost my point. But I'll always be grateful for the friendship you've shown me. If it weren't for you and Jamie Smith, I would have packed my things up by the end of the first month! Hopefully things look up and you can leave San Antonio on a happy note.
KIT! LYLAS,
Hillery
leezel
i love you.........lots!
call me at any hour of the night and i'll be there to answer and to help!
...and that post was very good and open. way to go!
no but really...
you've been a great example to me of endurance. i love you!
hey lyssa, I totally know what you mean about getting depressed by looking at other people's blogs, and yes, i think MOST people portray their life to be better than it really is. Anyways, if you are ever needing someone to talk to then give a me a call 913-4501. seriously, i would love to talk more. i know what it is like going through hard times and being totally bummed about my life. hang in there!
After reading all these comments it seems like people are almost bothered by the fact that people post good things on their blog. I'm sure that's not what is meant, but that's how it is kind of coming across.
Most people I know use their blogs to keep friends and family updated. Right?? That makes sense, it's quicker than writing letters or sending an email to everyone all the time. It's a one time post and those who want to read it can.
Others say they use their blogs for journaling purposes, well how personal do you want it to be then? Everyone I know, including myself, likes to keep their journals private and don't like others to read it, and if they do read it, it's someone really close to that person. Real journals are for your real, real feelings. Why would a blog be any different? Why would you want everyone to read about your personal thoughts that would be in a journal?
If you were to receive updates from friends and family via letters or emails and they were always venting or complaining, would you want to keep reading their letters and emails? Probably not. Right? Nobody enjoys being around someone who is always complaining or being negative; nor would someone want to read about all of it either.
On occasion we all need to vent and complain, that is normal. But to be bothered by someone elses blog because it always has happy or good things on it seems a little strange to me. If those blogs being read are truly your friends and family, then it shouldn't be making you depressed, you should be happy for that person. People post the good stuff because they are trying to share their good news with those they love and they are excited. It isn't to make people depressed or have eyes rolled at them for being happy about something in their life.
Like I said, I think it's normal for everyone to vent sometimes, whether in person or on a blog, but if I had a friend who always or most of the time vented and was negative or depressed about their life in their blog, I would stop reading it. If it were someone being negative in person, I would say something to try and help them be more positive. I enjoy reading the good things in my family and friends lives because I am happy for them and care about their excitment too. I would imagine if someone were really feeling down, a call to a friend or family would help lift their spirits too.
After all, aren't we taught to not hang our dirty laundry out for all to see??
And this isn't directed at you Lyssa. It's just a general comment for everyone.
With all that said, I will say it again, I do NOT think it is bad that someone needs to vent, but I wouldn't want to read a whole blog about it.
Hi, I don't think you know who I am, but I ran into your blog from Michelle (Martin's) blog. I completly have felt the same way before. My husband is in medical school and I recently moved to Texas too and feel very lonely. It's a hard thing, and I understand the feelings. I know this is weird, but I have looked at your blog and thought she is so pretty and has two darling kids. People are probably looking at your blog thinking the same things you think about their blogs. Normally I don't post comments on random people's blog, but what you wrote really touched me becuase I have been struggling with the same feelings of loneliness too. I think people are being a little hard on you. When all you need is a friend. I understand, I really do.
Lyspa! Lynners!!!
You know how I feel about blogging. I love being able to see updated pics of the girls and for that, it's worth it. But everybody's life is not perfect and frankly everyone is so full of shit!!! yes! I'm passionate about it. Life is hard- life has it's ups but it definitely has it's downs. The best thing to do is read all of the blogs with the understanding that nobody will ever admit on a blog that their husband isn't perfect, or that their kids smell bad, or that they really have no money, or that their sex life is less than average! We are all just setting ourselves up for disaster when we look into the windows of everyone else lives,,,without remembering that those windows are carefully cleaned to give us the view that they want us to see. Let's be honest! ahhhh sigh. Life is hard but it's still fun to say I LOVE YOU!!!!! Blog This!!!!!
Hey You...the "anonymous bi"....
if you have such a strong opinion and are not scared about people knowing what you think...then tell us who you are and sign your name especially when you are being negative?
why would you make such a comment bashing lyssa's feelings? it's her blog and she can say or vent whatever the hell she wants to!
i'm not a mean girl (anymore) but i will be if you mess with my sis!
hehehe :) JK but really. come on.
ps go read MY blog because it IS my JOURNAL and i'm 100% REAL on it. both the GOOD and the BAD and it can get REALLY PERSONAL.
don't say what blogs are or aren't because you don't know how the person who is writing it wants it to be.....
sincerely....bugged!
oh yeah...and if you don't want to read a whole post about someone being bugged, then you really don't care about that persons feelings or really even know who they really are anyway....
sincerely...more bugged!
HUGE LOL!!!
Hey Lyssa, I am so sorry you are having a hard time right now and the past few years! I have a lot of those days!!! I have also had some issues with friends.... One thing I have learned living away from family is that everyone really needs good friends and also that their are a lot of weird mean people out there. So I love ya and always will!
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