Wednesday, October 27, 2010

a year in the making

I've been waiting about a year to post this.

And i know what you were expecting...pictrues of luke!
well not yet. 
I need time to analyze my life.

The post below was written almost a month after I had Luke.
I was at my wits end...seriously.
You probably know I had a hard time with 3 kids. 
I'm not going to lie.
This was by far the hardest year i've ever had in my life.
Being overwhelmed with kids 24/7 plus the housework that never ever EVER seemed to get done, I had to completely let myself go.
I mean, I was even having trouble finding time & energy to do the essentials like housework.  So when I did have a spare moment, I ended up doing that since it needed to get done...
and frankly, that was hard.
i'm not that selfish of a person, I think.
So the small part of me that was present, who wanted "me" time, whether it was reading, blogging, watching TV, crafting, lying in bed, listening to music, going for a walk...
was gone.
And it didn't help that I was trapped inside, for fear of H1N1.
So we hibernated last year.

Can you tell I am still affected by it all? 
yes...yes I am.
There are still some slight adjustments that are made on a daily basis. 

BUT
I can tell you that I have never grown or changed so much in my life this past year.  I have made it priority #1 to get this house in order.  I realized that I was running this  household to the ground.  THere was no structure.
So this year, I have mastered meal planning, scheduled cleaning each day of the week, put aside my wants on the back burner to spend time with those who really matter aka my kidlettes.
I am so so so so grateful for this time of growth
I wouldn't want it any other way.
So as i read what I wrote almost a year ago, I just kind of shake my head in awe. 

I did it. 
I overcame it.
And seriously, it wouldn't have been possible without my Heavenly Father.
Through this, I am amazed at what we can overcome with time and guidance from Him.
So without further adieu:
Nov. 19th 2009
"Didn't I just feed You?"lol i'm so tired.
As expected, I'm running on very low sleep miles. Me and the girls are being very low key right now. We don't venture out much because, well, i don't feel like it and more because I don't want Luke catching anything right now. So the girls stay busy playing around the house, or TV, which could possibly be the best invention right now. And sadly, I caught an ugly cold the other day, which makes everything much more "super".
As I said in an earlier post, I knew what was coming and there was no way to prepare but to just take it head on...

And as tired as I am, this is what I auctioned for and wanted! don't ask me why I opted for insaneness and hallucinations from lack of sleep.

But it just feels like this is what life is all about. The chaos of it all is very divine. And I know i'm not alone in all of this mess. Heavenly Father is helping me, without a doubt in my mind. How else could I get through each day, alone, with 3 kids coming from all sides?!

and i've been the worse scripture reader these days. any free time is spent on the couch, retaining any energy i have to take care of the kids.

i know this will not go on forever, that it will pass. that helps me not become anxious and to just enjoy it all. this possibly might be the last addition to our family so I don't want to take advantage of it all. so i just take 1 day at a time. and what do you know? Luke is already over 3 weeks old. that was a pretty fast 3 weeks.

so i'm just hanging in there. honestly, my only worry is my own sanity and catching cabin fever. since i can't get out when the kids are awake, i make sure, if i have the energy, to do something for me when the kids are all in bed. last night, i went to target to return some things and just meandered through the store. then i headed to Ross and did the same thing. it was so nice to have some quiet me time out of the house!

it is all very humbling. that is what it comes down to. i realize my weaknesses as a parent and who i want to become as a wife and mother. i realize what really is important in this life. i definitely need to adjust my goals for me and my family now that there are 3 little ones ;)
I am truly grateful for my kids. they are healthy and happy. i am grateful for family and the help they've been to us through all of this. i am grateful for friends, with their support and meals ;) it has all helped so much. there is much need for adjusting around here!

Luke has been great. his first week home, he slept great at night, waking up only once!...every night! I was so excited and thought that i had the golden child. but then the girls came home and everything went kaput. now he usually wakes up twice a night and they have been slowly stretching longer and longer. but some nights, he wakes and cries every 2 hours, all night long. he has gas issues or something. he grunts and cries the whole time. he'll grow out of that, right?...right?!

the day after those nights are the hardest. i am now outnumbered and they can all come at me all at once and there is only so much i can handle. that's the hardest of having 3. And with a newborn, you just feel like a blob that feeds a baby all day long. i honestly feel i do nothing all day but feed and change. gotta love motherhood. ;)

So i push forward, trying to just relax and stay calm so i don't go insane. i can't wait to read this when i am sane again so i can see how insane i really was through all of this.
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